The Ugly Duckling

I believe I have a fair understanding of the way life works, it took me an entire 27 years to reach this point, and I am happy, I won't say I wish I knew what I know now, back whenever, But if I could rewind time, I would have done things alot different, but its my life, my circumstances, trials, struggles, that make ME who I am, And I know I don't always make the right choices, but I always make the best choice at that moment.

They say age brings reasoning, and that is 100% true. If u believe that I am that same misunderstood teenager searching for her identity in this life, you're wrong. If you want to judge me on my past mistakes, you can go right ahead,,,What you think, say or feel about me, still will not make me that.

Someone asked me if I regret certain personal decisions and circumstances I've made and been through, as though I should, and actually tried to convince me that I should, because of the consequences I faced as a result, O hell No, I Do Not have regrets, I am a strong, courageous, inspirational black woman, and it was my survival through those trials that made me that way. I've learnt first hand that every action has a reaction, I've learnt to take responsiblity for my actions, I've learnt that who God bless No man shall curse, I've learnt to love myself despite of, I've learnt endurance, I've learnt to make sacrfices. I have learnt pain so I am now open to experience healing, I have learnt sadness, so now I can appreciate happiness, I have been hated so now I know how to Love.

So to you all that label me based on what you've heard(like if I care), or judge me Only by my faults(as if U have none), You do that, I'll just be too busy (enjoying life and sharing it with those that matter) to care. I do Not owe anybody a damn thing, I do Not have to prove anything to anyone. I know Who I am and What I am worth.

To you all who feel like if you're in my shoes, Hold Strong, it Does get better. Remember the story of the "Ugly Duckling" who grew into the most magnificent swan in that entire pond,,,That's You, that's Me, that's Us.

Be proud of You, there is No one else like You and there will Never be again.

When U left...

I thought about you leaving, and I thought That I would die
I thought that I would never stop cry. But then that day came,
And the tears didn't come like the rain.
Instead, I looked on in disbelief, to me this meant life long grief.
Up to right now I believe I'm still in shock,
Afraid to face the truth, so I just don't give a fuck!
And engage in pointless relationships cause I'm scared...
That if the last wire trips, I will surely die,
Yes the great I and I, will no longer be
All because you left me.



CC, 2006
in memory Of Christopher xoxo.

Already Gone

As the days go by I've stopped caring about the'why',
Because You turned out to be,
The worst possible disaster to ever happen to me.
And now that its over and we've agreed that its done,
I smile and think that its me who won;
Cause you're in a sad, sad place, You're all alone and it shows on your face
But I am a star so I can't help but shine,
So You can either Love me or kiss my behind
Cause now I'm about to spread my wings, 
                              And I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
                              So,,,it was nice while it lasted, that's all I can say
                              And I loved you, You fucked up, so You have to pay!




    C.C., 2008

Hostage

LOVE, It whispers softly to me "come and play", as it teases me,

The root of all my pain and yet the source of all my joy. I want it so bad, I need it now,

I can smell it, so close, my mouth waters in anticipation, yet so far, it eludes me yet again.

But this is simply the story of my life,,,me and the hunt for love.

Its an ongoing sequel that takes me inside the deepest depths of my own soul.

It's an illusive luxury, that has the power to drag me past the heights of the highest mountains, 

Past the depths of the deepest seas, Twice, and still...

It's that dream that make me scream out at night, sweating and scared,

That maybe, just maybe...

It's that prayer, I pray, that I have prayed, morning, noon and night,

that continues to go unanswered...

To you, who will not love me, but continues to drain my soul,

Why?

There's this darkness in me, it gets darker and darker each time I miss,

Each time I try and fail, It weighs me down, making it harder to get back up

It overwhelms my soul, and tortures my spirit, as it holds my heart hostage,

                                                     The price for my release...LOVE.

Hot or Cold?

" Everytime I turn around I find my heart in pieces on the floor"

              This use to be my song for a long time, Till that last time I turned around and saw my heart in pieces on the floor yet again, that day I said,"To hell with that, I'm gonna leave it right there" and that was that, I turned around and walked away, without a heart.

               Then you came along and saw that I had indeed left my heart scattered in pieces on the floor and you picked them up and gave it back to me, hesitantly I took it back, So here I was, back to square one, vunerable, again. I looked to you like water on parched land, You replenished me, You made me smile, You made me happy to be alive, You lit a fire within me that was fueled by your attention, You built my confidence, and for once in my life I felt worthy to be happy, I felt like I deserved to smile.

             
                    Father Time ofcourse, has a lot more power than we believe, Time has the power to heal as well as to hurt, Time can strengthen and also wear down. Once time gets involved things can go either way. In my case time caused that fire I had to loose its warmth, loose its pretty, orange glow,  it began to die, slowly but surely. Ever so often I'd fan it,my attempt to keep it burning, but I get so tired of fanning fires, where is the fuel that caused it to light in the first place, But this time I protected myself, am too old to be spinning in mud, So secretly I did not put my heart back where it belongs, O no, I put it on my top shelf where I knew it would be safe.

So here I stand, fan in hand, wondering if I should just let the fire die, or should I fan it, but for how long, or should I wait to see what Father Time can do, even after he let it die down, maybe father Time will get some more fuel to revive it which I hope cause honestly I am afraid that tis fire dies out completely, cause then I'd be cold all over again.