It was exactly one week before Akhaylah's birthday. Her big girl was about to turn 4yrs old and Janice was very excited. Akhaylah had already made sure she knew what she wanted, a bicycle. Janice was planning an intimate gathering to celebrate and as everything was seemingly falling into place she was beaming until the phonecall.
"Hello, David please" David was Akhaylah's dad, Janice and him had split when Akhaylah was just 2yrs. He was a nonexsistant father, He asked about his daughter all the time, but never had time to see her, He never got around to making any meaningful contributions toward her either, deep down Janice new this call was going to be just another disappointment, but it was his daughter's birthday and besides, she was on top of her game, why not try her luck with David. "Hello, who is calling"
"stueps" she immediately made out Micheal's voice, David's brother...God knows if she had met him before eh hmmm. "Janice boy, wappen yuh forget mi voice"
"Hold on eh" long pause, faint talking in the background "Janice, hello, Wah going on girl" David's mom comes on now, Janice is impatient but keeps her cool " I dey, cool as ever, Akhaylah's birthday is nextweek, so I am calling to talk to David actually"
Loooooong pause " Buh Janice you ain't hear he dead and bury"
An even longer pause "What!!!...STUEPS, that's any kinda joke to make, just put David on the phone nah, stueps"
"Janice am serious, check me nah!!!"
"What the fuck!!! Are you fucking with me, How the fuck I spose to know that and if da is true why the fuck am I now hearing about this shit, stueps!!!" hangs up phone.
Janice didn't move, she couldn't, she just stood there, frozen in disbelief, this had to be a joke that worthless son of a bitch thought up, that good for nothing, motherass, childfather of hers. Stueps, she shaked herself out of that moment and pushed that entire conversation in the back of her mind, "Not today nah, not to-frickin-day" she muttered and tried to go about her business, though there was an obvious change in her mood.
Akhaylah got her bicycle, and Janice had a successful evening, as much as it was bugging her brain, she tried not to think about David, about that phone call and about the fact David didn't even call to wish his daughter Happy Birthday, but as soon as the last guest leaves, she was going to address that matter. "Ok Helen thanks for coming, drive safe dear, bring back the kids tomorrow to play ok" and walked Helen, her very good friend to her car. It was late, Helen had remained to help her clear up, she was so tempted to bring up 'the phone call" as they chatted but realised she couldn't even repeat it. Now that everyone had left, Akhaylah was fast asleep, she seemed to be haunted in the silence of the night. What if it wasn't a joke? What if David was really dead?, Yes true, he isn't the best dad, but he would have at least called for Akhaylah's birthday, O Gosh, he was caught up in so many illegal and dangerous shit inno, O my God this could be true...she was beginning to panic, she was feeling dizzy, she had to sit.
She sat by that phone to scared to dial the number, scared that she might end up with a fatherless child, a rage began to build in her...so there wasn't a soul who could have told me that, nah man if that was true somebody would have told me, she thought. She went to bed, but was up by the first sign of light. Akhaylah was still fast asleep as she headed toward the phone.
" Good Morning, Stacy, Janice here, yesterday was your granddaughter's birthday and I have not heard from David, she was so disappointed, but even self he had no interest couldn't you or Micheal come, or call to wish her a happy birthday?"
"Janice you need to come see us, I told you David is dead he was buried just last week Friday"
Long pause again, hangs up phone again,frozen stiff again. "O my God, O my God, O my God..." she was holding head and pacing in a circle "O my God, O my God, O my God..." was all that seemed to come out of her mouth, she paced like that for a full 15mins, until an intense anger formed, then a feeling of relief, She had to be dreaming.
Janice calmly woke her daughter, made her breakfast, got her ready for school, she even let Akhaylah take a little ride on her new bicycle. She went out with her friends as usual, laughed, limed and not once did Janice mention what happened that morning. And so she went on with her life for an entire week until one afternoon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, O GOD, O GOD, NOOOOOOO," Janice was bawling hysterical, her friends were there, they were all liming, laughing, when she the reality of everything overwhelmed her, she just started to bawl and couldn't stop. When her friends rushed to see what was the matter, she was on the floor, bawling, sobbing, moaning, groaning. "what happen J, what's the matter, talk to us, are you in pain?" But all Janice could do was bawl, she was bawling from her belly, she couldn't stop.
For a full half hour Janice bawled uncontrollably at the top of her voice, until she eventually simmered down, she was weak, exhausted, from it, she was lightheaded, and now that the bawling was over she was left feeling extremely angry. Her friends were scared, Helen was crying, "what's wrong honey what happened", As she looked at Helen to reply, she cried again, "He's gone, he's gone, Kay doh have a daddy again" and cried again,
"What do you mean?"
"David dead, and nobody never tell me nothing" she cried again, and finally shared the story.
That night everyone stayed by Janice, her mom came over, her sister, all trying to comfort her, but everytime Janice looked at her daughter who was the spitting image of David she started to cry all over again. How do I tell my baby this? How could he leave me with her? What do I say?
The next day everyone sat around the table with Akhaylah, nobody knew how to break the news and how she would take it. Janice couldn't say a word. When they eventually told her, she was like "ok," and looked at her mother and said "but isn't that a good thing ma, You always say its best he dead, so why are you crying"
"you will never see your daddy again inno sweetie" Janice said as she held a her daughter's precious face " do you understand that" Akhaylah nodded yes, and Janice smiled. She wiped her tears and shook off the helpless feeling, "Everything will be alright wouldn't it sweetiepie" And got up, inhaled deeply, and that was that.
It took Janice a very long time to completely accept the loss, and in time Akhaylah began to understand exactly what it is she had lost...one of the few irreplaceable things in the world.
I believe I have a fair understanding of the way life works, it took me an entire 27 years to reach this point, and I am happy, I won't say I wish I knew what I know now, back whenever, But if I could rewind time, I would have done things alot different, but its my life, my circumstances, trials, struggles, that make ME who I am, And I know I don't always make the right choices, but I always make the best choice at that moment.
Someone asked me if I regret certain personal decisions and circumstances I've made and been through, as though I should, and actually tried to convince me that I should, because of the consequences I faced as a result, O hell No, I Do Not have regrets, I am a strong, courageous, inspirational black woman, and it was my survival through those trials that made me that way. I've learnt first hand that every action has a reaction, I've learnt to take responsiblity for my actions, I've learnt that who God bless No man shall curse, I've learnt to love myself despite of, I've learnt endurance, I've learnt to make sacrfices. I have learnt pain so I am now open to experience healing, I have learnt sadness, so now I can appreciate happiness, I have been hated so now I know how to Love.
To you all who feel like if you're in my shoes, Hold Strong, it Does get better. Remember the story of the "Ugly Duckling" who grew into the most magnificent swan in that entire pond,,,That's You, that's Me, that's Us.
C.C., 2008
