Grahame (because I had to)

I remember the very first time we met in person as if it happened today (I wish)
I remember the feelings I felt while I waited for you, I remember the very first time I saw You.
I remember the very first time I looked into your beautiful eyes,
And it was at that moment I knew You were very special,
It was at that very moment I loved You, and I haven't stopped since then.

     When I saw you approaching me at the mall that day, I was scared, I was tempted to run, not only because I suddenly wondered what the hell am I doing,,,but, mostly because you were so not my type, in fact, you were completely opposite, but for some reason, as you took the last few steps toward me, I caught your eyes, and its your eyes Gray, they compelled me to stay! I had never looked into eyes like yours...I saw strength, secrets, hurts, pain, but glorious passion. You have the most beautiful and mesmerising eyes I have ever gazed into and above everything, I miss looking into your eyes the most. When You looked at me I felt naked, I felt revealed, I felt open, uncovered and exposed, I felt like You gazed at my soul, You saw through my facade, You were real. and You saw the real Chenelle, and Nobody, not a single soul has ever and probably will ever see what your eyes saw.
    With you from day one I felt comfortable, and relaxed, but, I was also very in awe of you, I was completely enthralled by everything about you, and what made matters worse...I was recovering from a bout of emotional trauma, and the window dressing my very vulnerable self usually hid behind, was useless against you, So most times I was always like a fish out of water around You. It was You who saw Chenelle and coaxed Chenelle to come out, It was You who made Chenelle feel safe to step forward, made Chenelle feel safe to Shine. Chenelle came out for You!
    When You left, whether she pushed you away or not, Your absence left her suddenly exposed, suddenly insecure, suddenly scared, and needing of the safety and security your presence brought. Chenelle was in a tailspin, and had been for a complete year. For a complete year she was utterly depressed, she lived in denial, and regret, self pity, self hate...The facade she had long buried, was now fighting to re-emerge, This semblance hated this vulnerable Chenelle or atleast everything it has to do to hide, numb, and paralyze Chenelle and her feelings, just to protect her, because Chenelle just couldn't get over you, Chenelle was just too heartbroken to live without You Gray, I tried so hard to get up but sometimes even breathing was a challenge. So after a complete year Chenelle decided to take comfort once again behind that Front which was stronger, almost heartless, almost merciless, almost the complete opposite to who Chenelle really is.
    Only problem now, is that Chenelle missed being the front runner more than she missed you, Now, anything else but Chenelle doesn't even feel good, Chenelle could no longer be contented to take the backseat, She had grown to love herself, she wanted to be Chenelle all the time,,, she wanted people to know Chenelle, its like Chenelle had grown so much in her time outside that she just could not fit back there anymore, even if she wanted, it just was impossible, she longed for another taste, so as much as she was scared to be outside without you Gray, it suddenly became Necessary, as much as she felt to die, I had to live, as much as she cried I had to smile. So Chenelle re-emerged and this time I burnt that bridge that lead back to anything that didn't represent Who I truly am.
    So now I, Chenelle, has re-emerged with out You as my safety net, I am forced to be strong on my own, I am forced to shine on my own, I am forced to protect myself because there is none to do so for me... and that's a good thing, No, a great thing, I have found a strength I never knew I possessed, I have found a new love and respect for myself, I have a new hope in myself, my purpose and what I have the ability to accomplish, I look forward to showing the world Me and what I can bring to the table. And yes I still miss You Gray every single minute of every single day, I still long for you, your touch, your smell, your lips ( I mean your smile ;), and I still love you, probably even more than I ever did love You before, because I really wouldn't want to be where ever I would be without your imprint in my life, So as painful as it was to actually accept you're gone especially under the particular circumstance, I can never regret meeting You, I can never, ever regret loving you, I only regret hurting you and it haunts me and hurts me now that I can't even get a chance to make it up to you, to make it right, It hurts that I can't look into your eyes anymore, I can't see you smile anymore, see you do your stupid little dance with your back anymore, smell your head, pick your pimples, hear you bitch, watch you cook in your undies...Damn!!! I Miss you Alot, BUT now my future looks like it could be as incredible as you were...and that eases the grief, and gives me something to look forward to, something to work toward, something to redirect my time, energy and passion into.

Long and Short...You are by far the best person I have known, You have done more for me in your absence than anyone's presence could ever do...and I Love You Forever for this...So from the depths of my soul I Thank you and I Bless You...mwah!!!

To my Father, my Creator, the Lover of my Soul.

As I near the twenty-ninth year of my existence, I look back at the person I am ,the person I grew into...And I am not pleased,at all, I had/have so many dreams and ideas, aspirations and desires still, hidden in me purposely by envious and inhumanely evil people, my own eyes were blinded to the enemy, and those that work fervently to see my Demise.

   But when you are shaped and fashioned by the Creator himself, when you are made in His Image and Likeness and made to be a Ruler, More than a Conqueror, the Creator Himself guards you against the many tricks of the Enemy, He opens your eyes and understanding to situations and dangers that surround and aim for you. Personal Stubbornness of course plays a Huge part in the depths of suffering you allow yourself to endure, because it keeps back your growing process and has you trapped in a deadly cycle. But when the Creator has the Last and Only say in what He Created you for, he warns you and delivers you out of the hand of the Enemy, and the people whose sole purpose is to Stop Your Purpose.

   I was blessed to have the Creator intervene in my life, Now, I head back Home as the Prodigal Son (well daughter), but I head back to The Arms Of Safety, to My Master, the Only One who knows my true Purpose, my true Worth, my true Abilities and Talents, my true Heart and Mind, it is only He can Activate them all and allow Me to reach Maximum Purpose-filled Existence.

   My spirit has been unrest for this entire week, it is the final week before my Twenty-ninth Birthday, I believe a Great Change awaits me, I feel the urge, the desire to change. I feel like Change is Mandatory even, I am not pleased with my level of existence and the role I play in the Universe.that Has To Change asap. feelings and circumstances, bad decisions, and bad intentions has forced situations upon me that has now dictates my future. I am extremely thankful to reach this age, and I Know that The Creator himself Created me with a Magnificent Purpose, and though I myself may get side tracked, misunderstood, misused, advantaged, hurt, lost, blinded, cheated, robbed, raped, beaten, discouraged, etc., The Enemy shall Not rejoice in my destruction, I will Not Fade Away, My Purpose Shall Be fulfilled. I am More Than A Conqueror, and I Declare and Receive these words Into my Life.

  Father, I humbly beg for your Forgiveness,Mercy and Protection, I ask you to take complete charge of my Soul, take complete charge of my family, Hide us Under the Rock, which is You, Send your angels to Permanently Encamp around Us, Lord Father, Save me, Have mercy on me, I humbly Bow and Surrender my being, my breathe, my thoughts, my talents/gifts to You and only You, I kneel before You ashamed of my unclean deeds and thoughts, my past is haunting me and as I far I go, As much as I Let Go, it is persistently plotting and working at my Destruction. But this time, this time Will be The Last, No Turning back, and I am Ready. 

  I have immense Faith the My Lord, My Creator and His Purpose for Me. I trust in Him and His Plans over My Life, His Power surpasses All Others, He is Magnificent and Worthy to Be Praised and I Praise Him.

It won't Stop...

I came to alot of realizations of late...

I realized that beside blocking my calls and by now you've figured out a way to block my sms, you blocked me on fb, on fricking google, and probably in every possible way I can ever contact you.

Why? Why? Why?

You have cast my memory into the quiet seas of forgetfulness, my name has been dispersed with the sands of a time past...

I thought when someone blocks you, they deny you access to them, I only realized recently that they also deny themself access to you...

Deep down somewhere I liked to believe that ever so often I run across your mind, I also like to think that ever so often you privately browse through my stuff, not because of anything major but because I was some one you knew Very well, you'd think".. I wonder how she's doing..."

This realization that you have indeed moved on completely to the point that you have erased me like a wrong answer, this thought now of knowing that since all those months aback you have not seen me, and refuse to see me, HURTS me like if someone is literally tugging the very life force from my body, I feel shaken and weak, I feel completely and totally worthless, I feel broken and numb, I feel as though I am experiencing shock, I literally felt a part of me die,,, I suddenly felt very alone, insecure and sucidal (just being honest)

A lot of horrible thoughts have taken grip of my brain and I am suddenly floating around in sheer disbelief as you become an illusive dream... now I feel hopeless and stumped, I was still banking on us reuniting, and getting back to our life...Now am all alone chasing the memory of relationships past...unable to accept a realty without you, unable to accept your absence, afraid to slow down and feel the cold chill of loneliness and regret.

I can never truly express just how sorry I am, to not appreciate you Gray, but my intention was never to hurt you, neither to make you hate me, I try to look at the situation from every possible angle and by no means do  I believe I was right, but I am not the devil, I never crucify The Christ, I just can not no matter how much I try understand the reasoning behind such harsh repercussions, I did not hurt you to this magnitude, I loved you, I cared so deeply and passionately for you, its like I am paying for every sin I have ever committed , and its very intense, overwhelming, sometimes even unbearable...sometimes i genuinely can't take it, I miss you goddamit, I frickin miss you desperately, i am completely lost and miserable without you...

And it just won't stop.

The One...(who stopped loving me)

I think about you every minute of every day,
Your memory consumes me,
And eats away at my sanity.
I question your very memory, your exsistance,
I wonder if you were merely an illusive dream,
A wild, vivid imagination, A fairytale.

Your ability to forget me and move on
Baffles my brain,
I thought you loved me...more than this,
I thought you understood me and my pain
I just can not believe You could be
So unforgiving, so harsh, so mean to me
After the things I have done for you

After I had forgiven you and accepted you.
When no one else did.

But it would be unfair, for you to bear
Such a burden....as my love.
But I cared for you, I loved you,
Genuinely.
I opened up my life, my mind and my heart
To You
In a way I had never yet done,
But Only because I thought you were the One.

Lost Love (part 1)

When you met me, I was a lost girl, without a single care in the world.
You came, you found me, You touched me, you loved me.
You became the epitome,
Of everything I believed love could ever be.

With your patient love and tender devotion, You opened my heart to a new emotion.
You showed me a future, a different life, one where I envisioned myself as your wife.
You groomed me until I was well refined, and to show my gratitude,
I welcomed you into my heart, my soul and my mind.

But I got contented and took your love for granted,
I had issues and needed to vent it,
It's a pity that you were the outlet I choose,
It's like getting pricked from a torn growing on your very own rose.

For this I am truly sorry, but you know what they say,,,
"Sorry doh pass curry"
Probably the pain was really too much, when I tarnished the vision you had for us.
But I truly never believed you would really bite the dust.

I always believed you loved me more than this, hmmm,
Can't believe these bitter enemies once shared pure bliss.
Can't believe that pure bliss is now distant memories,
Can't believe these memories will one day, fade away.

All The While...

All the while I couldn't let you go, I couldn't accept that we weren't together anymore, I just couldn't understand that you didn't want to be with me.
All the while I felt it was because I loved you too much to let you go, I felt I loved you too much to accept we weren't together any more.
All the while I truly believed I was holding on to Love.

Now I have realised that holding on to you, dragging us both through the heart wrenching drama every single time, forcing us to the most extreme tests of love, could never be Love.
I realised that again I was being selfish, I was only thinking of me and how I felt.
If I loved you, I would be able to let you go, because your happiness would be my ultimate desire.
If I loved you I would be able to accept that your happiness no longer lies with in me,
And I would distance myself, and quietly bear the pain of my broken heart.
If I  loved you, I would want you to be truly happy, even if it meant moving on.

Well, I do love you, with my entire being, with my body, my mind, my heart and my soul.
So I will this time be Selfless, this time I will put your happiness over mine,
And trust in the power of time.
I love you enough to quietly distance myself, and watch you go...

If you ever read this, You know who you are.
I am sorry about everything, but,
All The While...I truly believed I was holding on to love.

Good Girls VS Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

The Naked Truth

She was inlove with more than one person. Each filled in where the other lacked. Together, they were the perfect companion.

                           Each saw, nurtured and loved different sides to her, each, for a moment felt totally fulfilling, but yet still, so empty. She loved each differently, but she loved them all genuinely, deeply, and sincerely. Each on their own were not able to completely quell the undeniable emptiness she was cursed with, each, no matter how much they showered their love and attention, still left her yearning for something more, something deeper, something they could not give...
                         There was Jeremy*. She knew without a doubt she loved him and probably in all ways love could love. Since their mothers were best friends before they were born, they grew up intwined in each others lives, they were the same age and were together since they could spell together. Different life paths, friends, situations pulled them away,,,but Destiny Always brought them back. They share an unbelievable bond that cannot be labelled except by the word, Fate. It cannot be broken except by Death, and it cannot be found between anyone else but Them. She would drop everything at his call, and she considered herself 'the wind beneath his wings'. He strived in her love, and even though he took it for granted at times, he knew that, he knew he needed her love as much as she needed his. She loved the fact that he knew every single inch of what made her, her, he knew her past, He knew the person she was expected to be, born to be and wanted to be. He knew she loved him with a love he could not find anywhere else and he didn't even bother to look, He trusted her love. Their love survived the cold bitterness of adolescence, teenage issues, wild and free reckless days, and unlike every other love they'd both experienced elsewhere that faded and fizzled with time, their own love only grew stronger and more certain over the many years, and now both nearing 30yrs, It was the surest thing they both knew. Their intimate moments were totally orgasmic, it could be described as the perfect union, it was completely satisfying. The way her body needed his, the way after all these years ( cause they'd been doing it since they'd been doing it) they still drew such intense emotions from each other, it was always a mixture of sweat, vice, memories, history, love, bittersweetness, fate, destiny...and the Inevitable. They both share the belief that they're each others soulmates...and probably they really are.
                             Then there's Steve*. He is everything she had always dreamt the perfect man should be like. He was patient, gentle, and caring. He was wealthy and generous, He had goals and was ambitous, he was productive and logical, He functioned under pressure and was a real life gentlman, He took care of himself holistically. He was unlike anything she had ever known and she strived and flourished with him. He showed her life through a completely other veiw, he had forever changed her life, Positively. He made her confident, and sexy, he made her respectable and motivated, he gave her a career, he made her a real Woman. She loved him because he was a real man. He was considerate and mature, he listened to her and loved her despite of. She grew to love him and what he had done for her, Because of him, she truly loved herself. She learnt her worth and understood what she represented, He had set a new bench mark for what she loved and needed to love. Their intimate moments were just like him were totally new and life changing, just like him it changed the way she viewed and experienced sex, she learnt alot about herself and her body with him, and their moments were crazy, freaky, but completely beautiful, he made her feel beautiful, and she needed that. Life with him was always unpredictable, exciting, luxurious, action packed, she felt like she was somebody the world needed, He made her feel like she owned the world, and it was almost a perfect feeling.
                             And lastly, David* came along. He came like a thief in the night, he stole all her attention. She was immediately enveloped by him, and the strong aura he had, she was attracted to him like bees to honey. The difference with him though, was the way they connected, it felt spiritual, she felt his spirit, his essence, she felt like she was searching for Him. She felt like they were supposed to meet, their conversations were long and deep. They have so much in common, they knew the same ppl, they limed in the same places, they did the same things, loved the same things and wanted the same things, they were almost 100% compatible,,,except the timing that they met. He, (who she believed is the male version to herself) just like her, was already wrapped up in a complicated past, he had already believed he'd met his soulmate, he just like her was already scarred and jaded by life, but the intense passion they shared was unmistakable. They way they operated in sync with each other to her was unbelievable, he made her question everything she believed, He made her dream of another life, one that she truly and deeply longed for, one where she truly believed she would be contented with. She believes she loves him because she feels that she is supposed to, she feels she should be with him because she should be, with him its way more than wanting him, she feels that she is supposed to have him, its so surreal, He makes her feel totally safe and her spirit his comfortable with his, He is very special to her, the only thing is now may not be their time, He threatens to turn the world she knows upside down...and she feels he is supposed to.
                         Now, she's at a junction where need to choose one, just one, for her own sanity, because as sweet as it all sounds in writing, in reality its a complete, mess, with confusing emotions flying everywhere, feelings and broken hearts on the line, lies and deceit have crept in, and at that rate it could only get uglier and she knows this, she knows everything except Who she should choose.

Letting Go...




To Let Go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can do it for someone else

To Let Go is not to cut myself off, its the realization I can't control another

To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands

To Let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself

To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about

To Let Go is not tot fix, but to be supportive

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being

To Let Go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies

To Let Go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality

To Let Go is not to deny but to accept

To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future

To Let Go is ti fear less and love more...