The Ups and Downs of Love...

I've been inlove on more than one occasion, and also had my heartbroken on more than one occasion as well, so You'd think, I have a scrap book of Do's and Don'ts, huh, You'd think I'd enter each new affair with more knowledge, skill, and grace than the last...Yeah right.

Each times catches you when you have your guard up, when you've already completed building your sturdy wall so thick around your heart, that all you have to study is aiming straight for the head of every pursuer who even just lingers to long. Next thing you know, He's already behind that wall, actually helping hold your hand steady as you aim...wth!!!

So now, that same thick ass wall ends up trapping you in this new affair, forcing you to fall in love again, and you know you built a freak proof wall, so there's no escaping, So inlove we go again.

Being inlove is so indescribable. It makes you feel beautiful, and purpose filled. It makes days feel meaningful and nights magical. Life looks different, it smells different, it feels different. It feels good,,,all the time.

And that's only when you're inlove, When you're loved back in return, You feel Powerful, you feel Motivated, You feel like Tinkerbell with your pouch of magic dust to sprinkle over anything and everything that doesn't already bend at your will. As focused as you are, somehow you still feel like a kite, flying high, in perfect unison with the breeze, no bigger than that, with the universe.

Being inlove is so indescribable. It makes you feel used and worthless. It can fill your days with stresses, and your nights with worries. Life does indeed look different, smell different, and feels different, It doesn't  feel good...all the time.                                               

You feel so Powerful, that you could rip his head straight off his shoulders, You still feel motivated, this time probably to kill. And Tinkerbell, with her magic dust, is sitting, locked in cage on Captain Hook's bed table. By this time, he had already helped you break down those security walls around your heart, he helped you unpack all your baggage, he had found a place to put your insecurities, and framed your faults, so they went well with the new colour of paint your chose for your life. In other words you're vulnerable and you know it!

You think that stops You? Nope. You love being inlove, you love the way your skin glows, you love the twinkle in your eyes, You love the way every love song talks to you, you love to cuddle up to a good movie, You love his silly jokes, you love his caring touch, you love knowing that everything's gonna be alright when he puts his arms around you, you love his eyes and the way your heart beats faster when you gaze into them, You love his kisses and the butterflies you feel, you love his smile and the way he smells, you love his generosity and thoughtfulness, you love when he takes control so you can relax, you love when he stops what he's doing to listen to you, you love when he understands your 'being a woman' issues(or doesn't make you feel like a maniac at least). And if it stops You miss it.

You find yourself ready and able to endure those horrible days, just so you can get back the amazing ones.

Thank You

I would like to send out a very special 'Thank You' , to each and everyone one of you all who took the time to view my blog, it means alot...
To those who went a step further and follow my blog,,, here's an even Bigger Thank You, I will continue to satisfy your inclination for reading with my penchant...
 Thank you guys,,,Love you all

That Moment

I am a Powerful Being

Waiting for that moment.

That moment to Be what I was Born to Be.

Finally, I'll finally Be Free.

That Moment is almost here, I feel it, I dream it,

I want it more than it wants Me.

I have accepted The Truth

So no longer will I be mute,

No longer will I be confused,

Used or Abused 

For something I didn't choose.

It Is what It Is.

It has begun...Again

But this time I will not be ashamed

I will not deny my Destiny

I will Be, with or without You

Next to me.

So it was in the Beginning,

So shall it Be in the End!

The Ugly Duckling

I believe I have a fair understanding of the way life works, it took me an entire 27 years to reach this point, and I am happy, I won't say I wish I knew what I know now, back whenever, But if I could rewind time, I would have done things alot different, but its my life, my circumstances, trials, struggles, that make ME who I am, And I know I don't always make the right choices, but I always make the best choice at that moment.

They say age brings reasoning, and that is 100% true. If u believe that I am that same misunderstood teenager searching for her identity in this life, you're wrong. If you want to judge me on my past mistakes, you can go right ahead,,,What you think, say or feel about me, still will not make me that.

Someone asked me if I regret certain personal decisions and circumstances I've made and been through, as though I should, and actually tried to convince me that I should, because of the consequences I faced as a result, O hell No, I Do Not have regrets, I am a strong, courageous, inspirational black woman, and it was my survival through those trials that made me that way. I've learnt first hand that every action has a reaction, I've learnt to take responsiblity for my actions, I've learnt that who God bless No man shall curse, I've learnt to love myself despite of, I've learnt endurance, I've learnt to make sacrfices. I have learnt pain so I am now open to experience healing, I have learnt sadness, so now I can appreciate happiness, I have been hated so now I know how to Love.

So to you all that label me based on what you've heard(like if I care), or judge me Only by my faults(as if U have none), You do that, I'll just be too busy (enjoying life and sharing it with those that matter) to care. I do Not owe anybody a damn thing, I do Not have to prove anything to anyone. I know Who I am and What I am worth.

To you all who feel like if you're in my shoes, Hold Strong, it Does get better. Remember the story of the "Ugly Duckling" who grew into the most magnificent swan in that entire pond,,,That's You, that's Me, that's Us.

Be proud of You, there is No one else like You and there will Never be again.

When U left...

I thought about you leaving, and I thought That I would die
I thought that I would never stop cry. But then that day came,
And the tears didn't come like the rain.
Instead, I looked on in disbelief, to me this meant life long grief.
Up to right now I believe I'm still in shock,
Afraid to face the truth, so I just don't give a fuck!
And engage in pointless relationships cause I'm scared...
That if the last wire trips, I will surely die,
Yes the great I and I, will no longer be
All because you left me.



CC, 2006
in memory Of Christopher xoxo.

Already Gone

As the days go by I've stopped caring about the'why',
Because You turned out to be,
The worst possible disaster to ever happen to me.
And now that its over and we've agreed that its done,
I smile and think that its me who won;
Cause you're in a sad, sad place, You're all alone and it shows on your face
But I am a star so I can't help but shine,
So You can either Love me or kiss my behind
Cause now I'm about to spread my wings, 
                              And I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
                              So,,,it was nice while it lasted, that's all I can say
                              And I loved you, You fucked up, so You have to pay!




    C.C., 2008

Hostage

LOVE, It whispers softly to me "come and play", as it teases me,

The root of all my pain and yet the source of all my joy. I want it so bad, I need it now,

I can smell it, so close, my mouth waters in anticipation, yet so far, it eludes me yet again.

But this is simply the story of my life,,,me and the hunt for love.

Its an ongoing sequel that takes me inside the deepest depths of my own soul.

It's an illusive luxury, that has the power to drag me past the heights of the highest mountains, 

Past the depths of the deepest seas, Twice, and still...

It's that dream that make me scream out at night, sweating and scared,

That maybe, just maybe...

It's that prayer, I pray, that I have prayed, morning, noon and night,

that continues to go unanswered...

To you, who will not love me, but continues to drain my soul,

Why?

There's this darkness in me, it gets darker and darker each time I miss,

Each time I try and fail, It weighs me down, making it harder to get back up

It overwhelms my soul, and tortures my spirit, as it holds my heart hostage,

                                                     The price for my release...LOVE.

Hot or Cold?

" Everytime I turn around I find my heart in pieces on the floor"

              This use to be my song for a long time, Till that last time I turned around and saw my heart in pieces on the floor yet again, that day I said,"To hell with that, I'm gonna leave it right there" and that was that, I turned around and walked away, without a heart.

               Then you came along and saw that I had indeed left my heart scattered in pieces on the floor and you picked them up and gave it back to me, hesitantly I took it back, So here I was, back to square one, vunerable, again. I looked to you like water on parched land, You replenished me, You made me smile, You made me happy to be alive, You lit a fire within me that was fueled by your attention, You built my confidence, and for once in my life I felt worthy to be happy, I felt like I deserved to smile.

             
                    Father Time ofcourse, has a lot more power than we believe, Time has the power to heal as well as to hurt, Time can strengthen and also wear down. Once time gets involved things can go either way. In my case time caused that fire I had to loose its warmth, loose its pretty, orange glow,  it began to die, slowly but surely. Ever so often I'd fan it,my attempt to keep it burning, but I get so tired of fanning fires, where is the fuel that caused it to light in the first place, But this time I protected myself, am too old to be spinning in mud, So secretly I did not put my heart back where it belongs, O no, I put it on my top shelf where I knew it would be safe.

So here I stand, fan in hand, wondering if I should just let the fire die, or should I fan it, but for how long, or should I wait to see what Father Time can do, even after he let it die down, maybe father Time will get some more fuel to revive it which I hope cause honestly I am afraid that tis fire dies out completely, cause then I'd be cold all over again.

From her heart...

This is a song written by Tenica Akeyda John ( in memory of her father)

Why you left me so, When I was two, I did not know you,
But it is okay, I still Love you and I hope you rest in peace.
Without a father it is not easy, I know you love me and i know you love mom too!

******~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~

Why you doing this to me
Why you breaking my heart
Why you hurting me so
O, I want to know
Why you left me, left me so.

******~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~

I hope you know me, I am ten years old,
I know you,,,Christopher, if it was not for you
I would not be singing this song O
That's why I am singing this song
I have a brother I do not know
I had a father I do not know.

Why you doing this to me, why, why, why,,,why, why
Why you breaking my heart,,,My heart yo,
Why you hurting me so,,,hurting me
Why you left me, left me so.

Rise and Shine

To Rise means to lift higher or to be lifted up.

To Shine means to illuminate.

Together they mean...

Lift yourself higher and show the world the light within You.

So ppl Rise and Shine

Sand Paper

When you have to put up with mean people
Think of them as sandpaper
They may scratch you, Rub you the wrong way,
But eventually...
You end up smooth and polished.
And the sandpaper, Well it'll be worn and ugly,
Makes you think doesn't it?
Never lose sight of who you are,
Because You are the best thing God ever created.
Embrace Your Gift!!!

The Crossing

The Crossing...

There are times when I peep out, I have become very brave.
But I still never venture out, The past still holds me as its slave.
I do cross over at times, Take a little taste, Smell the air,
Grab on to something and try to bring it back here.

But life is about moving forward, Not running back,
That's why sometimes it is necessary to burn the bridges behind you,
As to ensure you stay on track.
I've left many doors open behind me in the past,
Thought I was being wise, My way back out, in case,
This 'new beginning' doesn't last.


Now here I am ready to go back out again,
And I'm standing at the door, I haven't closed it yet,
I guess I'm still not sure,
If I am truly ready to burn this bridge,
Cause it holds my very core.




So here I stand, match in hand, Haunted by the memories,
Of a life I once loved, a life I once lived,
Of a life I shouldn't love, a life I can't live, anymore  

.
There was intense pain, and yet the joy surpassed it,
There was too much tears and yet the laughs outnumbered it,
There was unspeakable losses, and yet here I am, here I stand,
Still filled with Love and Faith cause I'm in The Master's Plan.


So am I ready to strike this match???
I'm looking back again, my heart hangs heavy,
Then, I look straight ahead, the sun is in my eye,
It warms my entire being till I feel good inside...
As I strike the match finally,
The flame seems dim,
Compared to the AWESOMENESS of my future,

My Eternal Light Within.

The Phonecall

          It was exactly one week before Akhaylah's birthday. Her big girl was about to turn 4yrs old and Janice was very excited. Akhaylah had already made sure she knew what she wanted, a bicycle. Janice was planning an intimate gathering to celebrate and as everything was seemingly falling into place she was beaming until the phonecall.

         "Hello, David please" David was Akhaylah's dad, Janice and him had split when Akhaylah was just 2yrs. He was a nonexsistant father, He asked about his daughter all the time, but never had time to see her, He never got around to making any meaningful contributions toward her either, deep down Janice new this call was going to be just another disappointment, but it was his daughter's birthday and besides, she was on top of her game, why not try her luck with David. "Hello, who is calling"
"stueps" she immediately made out Micheal's voice, David's brother...God knows if she had met him before eh hmmm. "Janice boy, wappen yuh forget mi voice"
"Hold on eh" long pause, faint talking in the background "Janice, hello, Wah going on girl" David's mom comes on now, Janice is impatient but keeps her cool " I dey, cool as ever, Akhaylah's birthday is nextweek, so I am calling to talk to David actually"
Loooooong pause " Buh Janice you ain't hear he dead and bury"
An even longer pause "What!!!...STUEPS, that's any kinda joke to make, just put David on the phone nah, stueps"
"Janice am serious, check me nah!!!"
"What the fuck!!! Are you fucking with me, How the fuck I spose to know that and if da is true why the fuck am I now hearing about this shit, stueps!!!" hangs up phone.

              Janice didn't move, she couldn't, she just stood there, frozen in disbelief, this had to be a joke that worthless son of a bitch thought up, that good for nothing, motherass, childfather of hers. Stueps, she shaked herself out of that moment and pushed that entire conversation in the back of her mind, "Not today nah, not to-frickin-day" she muttered and tried to go about her business, though there was an obvious change in her mood. 

            Akhaylah got her bicycle, and Janice had a successful evening, as much as it was bugging her brain, she tried not to think about David, about that phone call and about the fact David didn't even call to wish his daughter Happy Birthday, but as soon as the last guest leaves, she was going to address that matter. "Ok Helen thanks for coming, drive safe dear, bring back the kids tomorrow to play ok" and walked Helen, her very good friend to her car. It was late, Helen had remained to help her clear up, she was so tempted to bring up 'the phone call" as they chatted but realised she couldn't even repeat it. Now that everyone had left, Akhaylah was fast asleep, she seemed to be haunted in the silence of the night. What if it wasn't a joke? What if David was really dead?, Yes true, he isn't the best dad, but he would have at least called for Akhaylah's birthday, O Gosh, he was caught up in so many illegal and dangerous shit inno, O my God this could be true...she was beginning to panic, she was feeling dizzy, she had to sit.

  

              She sat by that phone to scared to dial the number, scared that she might end up with a fatherless child, a rage began to build in her...so there wasn't a soul who could have told me that, nah man if that was true somebody would have told me, she thought. She went to bed, but was up by the first sign of light. Akhaylah was still fast asleep as she headed toward the phone.

" Good Morning, Stacy, Janice here, yesterday was your granddaughter's birthday and I have not heard from David, she was so disappointed, but even self he had no interest couldn't you or Micheal come, or call to wish her a happy birthday?"
"Janice you need to come see us, I told you David is dead he was buried just last week Friday"
Long pause again, hangs up phone again,frozen stiff again. "O my God, O my God, O my God..." she was holding head and pacing in a circle "O my God, O my God, O my God..." was all that seemed to come out of her mouth, she paced like that for a full 15mins, until an intense anger formed, then a feeling of relief, She had to be dreaming.
             Janice calmly woke her daughter, made her breakfast, got her ready for school, she even let Akhaylah take a little ride on her new bicycle. She went out with her friends as usual, laughed, limed and not once did Janice mention what happened that morning. And so she went on with her life for an entire week until one afternoon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, O GOD, O GOD, NOOOOOOO," Janice was bawling hysterical, her friends were there, they were all liming, laughing, when she the reality of everything overwhelmed her, she just started to bawl and couldn't stop. When her friends rushed to see what was the matter, she was on the floor, bawling, sobbing, moaning, groaning. "what happen J, what's the matter, talk to us, are you in pain?" But all Janice could do was bawl, she was bawling from her belly, she couldn't stop. 

             For a full half hour Janice bawled uncontrollably at the top of her voice, until she eventually simmered down, she was weak, exhausted, from it, she was lightheaded, and now that the bawling was over she was left feeling extremely angry. Her friends were scared, Helen was crying, "what's wrong honey what happened", As she looked at Helen to reply, she cried again, "He's gone, he's gone, Kay doh have a daddy again" and cried again,
"What do you mean?"
"David dead, and nobody never tell me nothing" she cried again, and finally shared the story.

             That night everyone stayed by Janice, her mom came over, her sister, all trying to comfort her, but everytime Janice looked at her daughter who was the spitting image of David she started to cry all over again. How do I tell my baby this? How could he leave me with her? What do I say?

The next day everyone sat around the table with Akhaylah, nobody knew how to break the news and how she would take it. Janice couldn't say a word. When they eventually told her, she was like "ok," and looked at her mother and said "but isn't that a good thing ma, You always say its best he dead, so why are you crying"
"you will never see your daddy again inno sweetie" Janice said as she held a her daughter's precious face " do you understand that" Akhaylah nodded yes, and Janice smiled. She wiped her tears and shook off the helpless feeling, "Everything will be alright wouldn't it sweetiepie" And got up, inhaled deeply, and that was that.






It took Janice a very long time to completely accept the loss, and in time Akhaylah began to understand exactly what it is she had lost...one of the few irreplaceable things in the world.

Love Who Loves You

'Love who loves you' they say, as if its as simple as that. If we all could love who truly loves us, there wouldn't be any broken hearts now would there!

Love, for me is not a planned thing, I don't sit up at night and say" I feel I'm gonna love Tom yes!" and wake to find myself totally in love with Tom, nor do I stop loving Harry simply by wanting to or because I heard I should. I can't help whom I love nor can I control the amount that I share. Honestly, I have tried to love someone whom I was not in love with, because they were good for me and they genuinely loved me, but my heart was not into it, there was no connection, no passion, or joy at least on my part. So why then would I love that person...because they loved me,,,NO, no, can't do, nor can I pretend, Why should I when I could simply love who I love.

I also do not believe that you can 'grow to love someone'. You might grow to care, understand, or appreciate, but not love(at least other than the fact God said we should love everyone) In time you may grow to love their kindness towards you or the love being showed to you, but you won't grow in love with them,,,If you could have, they wouldn't have that term 'falling in love' now would they. I have never heard anyone say "well we grew in love, or we're growing in love, or even Jack grew in love with me..." cause you just don't, You fall in love, it takes you by surprise. You never plan to fall, you just find yourself flat on your face, bruised knees and all, Same with Love. If by chance you are one of the exceptions that grow to love, It can not and never could be compared to the love experienced by those who fell in love. You do not grow to Love, your love Grows, at least to my own understanding. If I am in love with you my love for you will grow, If I'm not in love with you, I will not grow to, I might get attached, accustom or tolerant but not in love.

So my conclusion to this is simple,,,
Follow your heart, what is to be will always be, There is nothing more fulfilling than sharing your life with the person that you've decided to give your heart to, whether its healthy for you or not. There are a lot of ppl I know who are with someone that they are not in love with, But the latter Loves them and treats them very well, and yet stiill, they lead miserable lives, unhappy, because their heart isn't there!!! But all in all this is only my point of view.

Me

C : Charismatic but impulsive

H : Harmonious but subservient.

E : Energetic but impatient.

N : Inspiring but melodramatic.

E : Energetic but impatient.

L : Independent but distant.

L : Independent but distant.

E : Energetic but impatient.

So they say but read my version...

C : Candid but Creative

H : Hyper but Humble

E : Exotic and Erudite  

N : Naughty but Nice

E : Excitable and Erotic

L : Liberal but Levelheaded

L : Lovable but I'm a Livewire

E : Energetic but Empathic

In the Dark...

                                 She was so mesmerized as she stared into his eyes and smiled. A distinct heat was rising in her, as though she was swinging naked in the morning sun, Nothing he was saying registered in her brain, she was dizzy from the heat, captivated by his smile, overpowered by his seductive aura. They kissed and she almost floated away. Strange, usually she's they one that puts guys in this position,,,Who is this man and how is he doing this to her she wonders and she watches him with searching eyes still unable to fathom his powers. He is cool as cucumbers, and watches her now with the confidence of the Gods, he knows what he is doing and as much as she can't understand why, she submits to her feelings.

                                 As he puts his hands on her, a soft moan escapes her, and his kisses become more deep, her breathing becomes heavier as she weakens under his touch, she stops thinking and kisses him back vigorously, not being one to be outdone he intensifies the pace until she softens up again and allows him to take the lead, it is slow but effective, soft but sweet, unbelievable but true. She pulls back, in denial of what she was experiencing and again search his eyes "what" he asks but she is speechless and shakes her head. He goes in again, this time his hands searches and discovers her treasures, his fingers are wet and he tastes her. She calls his name as he licks his fingers again, this turns her on immensely and she lets him have his way.

In the privacy of the dark, she removes her underwear, and stand before him as he pleases her with his hands, her knees are weak, on the verge of buckling but he doesn't slow down now, she is groaning, and gripping his shoulders for support, then he puts he to sit instead and she opens  her legs wide, giving him total access to her most intimate and valuable possession. He is grateful for this and shows her by kneeling directly over it, he kisses her, he licks her, he nibbles on her, she is going wild with passion as he uses his hands and mouth to satisfy her. She is moaning and calling his name loudly, nothing else mattered except that moment, she exposes her hard nipples and he leaves a trail of kisses as he moves towards them.

                                     He is sucking on them hard, she is fully aroused and distort  her body from raw pleasure, she holds on to him tightly as he speeds up the pace yet again, as he drops back between her legs, she is frantic now as she feels her juices run down and he sucks it up, she trembles as she feels herself cumming and grips on to him tightly as she screams his name, it is too intense and she pushes him off. He stares at what he has done to her, she is breathing like an animal as she tries to get back her bearings, as she comes  back to reality. She looks at him in awe and kisses him gently, she is totally satisfied, totally at peace with the universe.

                                They can't stop smiling with each other, no talking, just stares and touches and smiles, as her body comes back to normal, then they hold hands and slowly walk back into the light.