I came to alot of realizations of late...
I realized that beside blocking my calls and by now you've figured out a way to block my sms, you blocked me on fb, on fricking google, and probably in every possible way I can ever contact you.
Why? Why? Why?
You have cast my memory into the quiet seas of forgetfulness, my name has been dispersed with the sands of a time past...
I thought when someone blocks you, they deny you access to them, I only realized recently that they also deny themself access to you...
Deep down somewhere I liked to believe that ever so often I run across your mind, I also like to think that ever so often you privately browse through my stuff, not because of anything major but because I was some one you knew Very well, you'd think".. I wonder how she's doing..."
This realization that you have indeed moved on completely to the point that you have erased me like a wrong answer, this thought now of knowing that since all those months aback you have not seen me, and refuse to see me, HURTS me like if someone is literally tugging the very life force from my body, I feel shaken and weak, I feel completely and totally worthless, I feel broken and numb, I feel as though I am experiencing shock, I literally felt a part of me die,,, I suddenly felt very alone, insecure and sucidal (just being honest)
A lot of horrible thoughts have taken grip of my brain and I am suddenly floating around in sheer disbelief as you become an illusive dream... now I feel hopeless and stumped, I was still banking on us reuniting, and getting back to our life...Now am all alone chasing the memory of relationships past...unable to accept a realty without you, unable to accept your absence, afraid to slow down and feel the cold chill of loneliness and regret.
I can never truly express just how sorry I am, to not appreciate you Gray, but my intention was never to hurt you, neither to make you hate me, I try to look at the situation from every possible angle and by no means do I believe I was right, but I am not the devil, I never crucify The Christ, I just can not no matter how much I try understand the reasoning behind such harsh repercussions, I did not hurt you to this magnitude, I loved you, I cared so deeply and passionately for you, its like I am paying for every sin I have ever committed , and its very intense, overwhelming, sometimes even unbearable...sometimes i genuinely can't take it, I miss you goddamit, I frickin miss you desperately, i am completely lost and miserable without you...
And it just won't stop.
